Feeling very down.. down down down... Haiz!

My Grandfather Passed away

What a way to start the year 2008. My grandfather passed away on 11 Jan 2008 at 1.20pm. He was transferred from NUH to SGH after his condition took a worse turn on 7 Jan 2008. He was diagnosed to have lung infection and was put into ICU. However doctor say that there is little chance of recovery. And in 5 days time, He passed away peacefully though.

I went to hospital everyday during his stay in SGH But it was too late. I should have visit him more often when he is alive and not when he is critically ill. Everyone is very sad during the 5 days and only than i realize how close my cousins are to my grandfather. I have not be close to him and I seldom visit him except for the major festivals or his birthday. Even so, I am very sad when i see him on all the tubes struggling for his life. Many cried but i managed to swallow my tears.

I went back to work on Friday. I still tell my store man the feeling is weird waiting for call to say my grandfather is dying. Hopefully the call never comes. But the call came eventually. My father called. He said grandfather had passed away. Immediately I went to the hospital. My Aunt told me I am late.

I went into the ward looking at his body, my tears dropped. My grandfather is not moving and my cousins are crying beside him. My mind went blank and I don know how to react. Everything after that went passed very fast. There is one constructor that will settle everything for you on the funeral: coffin, monks, incense paper, and i mean everything. The wake lasted 5 days and there are moments that i cried everyday. I stayed there everyday and on the 1st day we are thinking how are we going to survive the 5 days, it is so long. But it went passed very fast. I think if the wake is longer, everyone will break mentally. My uncles they all already broke down. We often have cousins and uncles looking blankly at the photo or body of my grandfather. I almost broke down also. Sitting on the chair at the wake looking at the photo of my grandfather, memories of him when i am young came back. It seems to be lost in the back of my mind but out of no where it came back.

The last day of the wake came. Finally we are going to send my grandfather off. He is going to be cremate. Everyone cried. My grandmother asked me to have a last look at my grandfather. She told him to bless us and the only regret he might have is that he cannot wait to drink “Xi Fu Cha” On hearing this, my tears dropped even more and my heart ached. I am useless. I cannot fulfill his wish.. Don know he will ever have a chance to drink the tea a not.. In my mind, I told my grandfather that he can come to my dream anytime when he is free to talk to me. I always free as I am as lonely as he will be. I don mind talking to him.. I may be crazy at that moment.

The moment when the coffin is lighted, everyone almost went crazy. We just cried and cried. We were told to shout “ Ah Gong! Run Run Fire Burning” The next day, we went back to the same place to collect the remains of the body = bones.

What is left of you after you die is just some bones. From the moment you are born, you grow up and get married. Have children have grand children. And You died. What You left behind are just some bones. Haiz.. sad.. Life is short. Always treasure things that are around you. Don regret only when they are gone.

Happy New Year

A new year a new beginning. Many people say a new year, one should have some resolutions or targets that they want to achieve in the coming year. I should set some too. But I realised i did not achieve my resolution set last year..

So this year, I am going for simple resolutions. Last year has being a rather unhappy year. So my coming new year resolution is as follows:

1. To stay happy in the coming year
2. To concentrate on my studies
3. To get a car
4. To get a girlfriend (Nah! not my resolution this year. Know that it is not possible)
5. To Slim down (Nah! Give up le. Not possible i think. At Least do not get fatter)
6. To complete my remaining time in the army peacefully.

Long time never study le.. got problem trying to keep still to study for test.. haha but eventually manage to finish studying for test.

Realise i want a lot of things. So i also get myself a wishlist.

1. A Study Table
2. A new laptop
3. A LCD tv for my room
4. A new handphone
5. A girlfriend
6. A tour trip to Taiwan or Hong Kong

Any sponsor?

Lonely, So true..

Long long time since i blog. Ya. partly because busy but most importantly don know what to blog. Life is the same for me not much changes and everyday is as normal as it can be. Does not go out much often as before except for some pool and mahjong session. Life is still not fulfilled. lonely as before and has not found the person or things to work hard for to keep myself moving ahead. The fire in me to excel is low.

Still waitng patiently for my day to come. The day when i can leave the army. However I am going to step into a next chapter of my life this friday. Going to finally start studying this friday after talking about it for so long.

Quite satisfied with the course though the university may not be that well known. The duration of the course and content to be taught are to my liking. Anway i will be studying at APMI Kaplan. The university i will be studying is Mudorch University and the course i will be taking is Bachelor of commerce - Double major in Toursim and hospitality And Marketing. It is a 1.5 yrs course. Timing is just right. After graduating, I will be able to leave the army le.

Not that I want to say, but i think my weekend is really boring..Practically nothing to do.. Don like weekend. Lonely lonely lonely for staying at home. Even if wanted to go out also don know Wat to do, who to go with. People don like to go out with me.. ha ha.. Don wanna only things to do on weekend is mahjong. There should be other things also.. I am still searching of meaning things to do to fill up my weekend.

Simply Don understand why it is so hard to be happy.. trying very hard to be happy. My life should be as beautiful as Wat others life are But at least i am better now.. trying to accept things the way they are.. A thought flash across my mind.. Maybe Wat is bothering me is loneliness.. Maybe getting old le. I am afraid of loneliness and my life revolve around people around me, so I scared of loneliness. Just a thought.. Who will cares.. haha..

Maybe when school starts in January and I have things to do, I will feel better.. haha.. Life goes on whether I am happy a not and I must learn to look ahead in future..

Went Ktv today... Me, Sher fun, Wan Yee and Pei Yoke.. 4 Hours of singing.. Start the session quite dead.. don know what we are singing.. Quite fun and AGAIN.. we ate Sakae Sushi for dinner.. haha..

Happy Birthday SINGAPORE !!!

I am proud to be a Singaporean :)

Somehow I seems to have lost my direction for a while, but I think i am going to find it back soon. Its seems that i am going to overcome my own hurdle and to accept the things as they are. I feeling much better now.. :)

I know people are concerned abt me. Thanks. I will try to be happy

Yeah.. Book out liao.. There are still many many book out that are going to come along the way. I am downgraded to C2L2 and just being given excused Chin up and Standing board jump for IPPT test. In this way, I can pass my IPPT test le and there is no need for me to leave the army. So i intend to stay and serve till May 2009 without having to pay any compensation. My company fully support me to go for part time study during this period of them... So I am soldier till 2009

I can foresee that i am going to be in low spirit and unhappy for quite a long time. Still could not understand certain things and to accept the fact that certain things turn out this way.

However something did shine a ray of happiness on my life. My clerk and me were on duty and chatting before sleep, my clerk said something.. I felt really comfort. He said' CQ, why are u always so happy? You make the surrounding pple also very happy environment leh.. You are the happiest person i ever see." Though i am sad everyday.. there is still pple who think i am happy. I have a strong front ya.

Came home with quite a good mood. Now i am super low. why am i always upset. This mean to be a yesterday post but no mood to continue... haha

Will people remember me when I am not around? or do life go on without me and no body cares? we shall find out...

Haha.. Be on a diet since sunday.. Changes made me seriously wanted to slim down once and for all.. Being taking one meal since sunday. Now having some back pain, so when i get better, I will start on some exercise..

Sunday.lunch - Mac, Dinner - nil
Monday. lunch - Cookhouse food, Dinner - 1 fishball
Tuesday. Breakfast - 1 nugget, Lunch - Cookhouse Food, Dinner - 1 Luncheon Meat
Wed - Lunch - Soup with tao pok, Dinner - 1 banana

I now than really think that to seriously go on diet is not easy. Take a lot of control and determination.. haha.. Because sometimes u will unconsciously want to take somethings to eat.. Haha.. I am very determined now..But for how long? Hmmm..

Not happy and super Hungry Hungry..lolx

Life is unpredictable. My heart is dead and my life is like falling into the cliff and its seems that i will never reach the foot of the cliff.. I just keep falling and falling.. How comes happy times and days don seems to like me and always accompanied me are sadness. You can say i am pesimistic or wat. when your life is going down and down. how are you going pick yourself up. Argh.. just leave me alone. My life is a sad story itself. I think there is really something wrong with me as a person. I really need to relect and made changes to myself.

Future is a very big word and I am lack of in this area. Future links with happiness, sadness, anger and laughter. There are many many other things that is link with future. Many times, this word appear in my life and nothing good is related to it. Don know what to say. Many areas in my life is a flop and nothing much is there to be proud of. I literally spoilt my own future myself. Am I such a lousy person. The answer is maybe ba.. Haiz.. idiot person i am.. anyway... Haiz..

Haiz.. One word 'SAD" My life is so sad.

Went clubbing at phuture yesterday.. Thinking clubbing is still not my cup of tea.. haha..

Haha.. No need go for out ration for dinner today... shiok shiok... in the mess surfing net.. haha

Feel different recently. Something bothers in my heart. of course, as usual i am always bored. Life is not very interesting. hope that there is someone or somethings that can brighten up my life..

Will such day ever comes? i doubt so.. ha ha..